comicbawl

"TAKE A CLEAN DISH AND..."

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish and...'"

 

IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

 

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

 

THE GREAT WRITER

There was once a young man who kept visualizing himself as a great writer in his later life.

 

When asked about what he meant by "a great writer", he used to say: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for the Microsoft Corporation, writing error messages.

THE PRIEST & THE RABBI

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

 

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

 

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

 

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

 

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

 

The two resumed their reading. Both were silent for a while.

 

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

 

GET IN THE QUEUE

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his men, and as he was walking away, he turned to him and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that once I've got out of the Army I'll never stand in another line."

 

SO DID I !

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

 

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

THIS IS MY FATHER

What I am going to tell you now takes place in the principal's office at a school. The telephone rings... "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

 

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

...

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

 

TIKLAYINIZ... Ayrı Pencere Açılacaktır

THE BURGLAR

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining about his flashlight in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you..."

 

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept on looking for valuables.

 

Then, he heard again, "Jesus is watching you..." This time he shined his light all around him, and it rested on a parrot.

 

He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you; that's all..."

 

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"

 

"Moses." Moses (MOU-zis) = Hz. Musa...

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

 

The bird answered, "I dunno; I guess the same kind of folks who would name a Rottweiler "Jesus"!

 

WHY LIVE AT ALL ?

A man asks his doctor whether he thinks he is likely to live to be a hundred. The doctor asks him in return, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," the man replies. "I've never done either."

 

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquires the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either."

 

"Well, then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

 

THE DECOY

 

One night, a police officer was on duty outside a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

 

TROUBLE MAKERS

In a certain suburbian neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

 

Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

 

Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

 

The mother went to the minister and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

 

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

 

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

 

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?!!"

 

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room, where they usually plotted their mischief.

 

He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-G trouble now!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-G trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."